The One Night Stand

Normally I don’t wait until the first of the year to make my resolutions; I actually think it’s more meaningful to make them on my birthday. One’s birthday, to me, is more significant in terms of personal growth than the start of a new year. Too bad I totally forgot to make my list in time this year. So it’s well into the new year when I actually sit down to start my list–I’m just like all the other people in the world trying to make a random list of resolutions that will hopefully change the course of my life forever.

I usually spend a great deal of time making this list–I review my list from the previous year, review my accomplishments, and then look for new things to add. Every year on my list I add, “have a one night stand.” I know, I know–to some, it’s like “Why is this on your list?” Well, I truly feel like every woman should experience certain things in her life, and having a one night stand is one of those things. Don’t get me wrong, I have had casual relationships in the past. I’ve also had friends-with-benefits relationships–we would go to dinner, movies, shopping, etc., but at the end of the night we both knew what was in store. What I want is to have a true one night stand, and I’m getting tired of this being on my list every year. So this year, I’ve moved it up to #1.

I call one of my friends who is an expert in the matter. “So what do I do?” I ask.

“What do you mean?” she laughs.

“Like, do I say ‘let’s go fuck’?” I hold my breath.

“No, silly. Not like that, but you make it understood.”

“How?”

“Well, let’s say you’re out and you see someone that you find interesting. You go up and flirt with him.”

“I used to be so good at flirting. Now I suck.”

“Dance with him, but be a little more seductive in your dancing. Then whisper little things to him.”

“Little things … like what? ‘Wanna go home with me daddy?’” I laugh, hoping she doesn’t say yes.

“No!!! Well, you could, but that’s slutty.”

“Um, so is a one night stand,” I think to myself.

“Say something subtle, like ‘Where did you learn to dance like this? You must be skilled in other areas...’ You don’t have to say much. A man’s dream is to pick up a girl from the club. If you just give him a little, he’ll lead you the rest of the way.”

I’m speechless.

“Then exchange numbers. Text him while you’re still there and say something like ‘can’t wait to see you later’,” she adds.

“And that’s not the same as asking if he wants to screw?” I nearly yell.

“No, it allows you to see how he will react.”

“How?” I sure have a lot of questions; maybe this is a bad idea...

“Well, if he responds and says something like ‘me and my boys are going to another place,’ or ‘I didn’t drive,’ you know he’s scared. That allows you to say, ‘oh, I just wanted to see if you wanted to grab a hot dog afterwards.’”

“Okay, so let’s say it’s a go. How do you decide the place?” I ask

“Um, you kinda just figure that out on the fly.”

“Well, it can’t really be on the fly–I would need time to make up a name and get a room at the W.”

“The W? No one is taking you to the W at 3 a.m.”

“Why not? If I’m going to dish out the goods it might as well be on 1000 thread count sheets.”

“Okay, explain to me your idea of a one night stand,” she laughs.

I begin to give her the best impression I have, probably from some combination of foreign films I’d seen: “Well, I meet this really hot guy–a 10 (no reason to sleep with just a 6 when I can have them anytime)–I make up a false name . . . Sasha. Then we pull up to the W, Four Seasons, Park Hyatt–something in that range–and we have crazy sex all night. Then, I get up before he’s even awake and cab it home. Oh, and just for dramatics I leave a note written on a napkin saying how I had a great time. No number.”

“You’re delusional,” she says, laughing hysterically.

The very next week, I meet a guy at the grocery store. Nothing about the interaction is even close to sexy, but I think to myself, “this could be it.” For some reason I feel very comfortable. I suggest a movie and he agrees.

The day we’re scheduled to meet, I decide to change the location at the last minute. I invite him over to my place instead. (Let me add a disclaimer: this was years before the Craig’s list killer. Still, not a wise idea, and I’ve never had a stranger in my home since.) Something about this night seems right. I mean, it isn’t my fantasy–I had already given up my dream one night stand. But even though I’ve compromised the location and fake name, I’m still determined to check this off my list.

As I wait, I phone my friend. “So he’s coming over . . .”

“Coming over? I thought you wanted a Park Hyatt affair?”

“Yeah, yeah. So what do I do?”

“Well, you just make it happen. Make sure you sit next to him–flirt, play with your hair, and drink lots of wine.”
Oh, wine is a good idea––in fact, I think I’ll take a shot now I think. “No, what do I do?”

“Huh?”

“Sexually. Do you do everything?”

“Oh, well it depends on how comfortable you feel with the person.”

“Wait, let me conference in a male point of view,” I say as I dial in one of my male friends. When he answers, I waste no time: “So, I’m going to have a one night stand with this guy and I want to know whether I do everything . . . ” I ramble.

“Yes, why not? Put on a show; swing from the chandeliers; have the time of your life! You only live once,” He says without hesitation.

Note to self: never ask a man his opinion about sexual boundaries with strangers.

“He’s here–gotta go,” I say as I hang up on both of them.

He rents two movies. It is already 9 p.m. I love this–it assures a late night. Halfway through the first movie, I can’t really tell how the date is going. I’m past tipsy, but he’s not. After getting up for my third glass of wine, I sit back down a little closer. We chat a little during the movie. “Gosh he’s shy,” I think. “I need someone more forceful for this to work,” I tell myself. After I put the second movie in, I say something to him, leaning in very closely, and he finally kisses me. Okay, we are now getting somewhere.

We kiss for a few more seconds, but as the second movie queues up, he stops. Shit, he is really planning on watching this damn movie. Halfway through the second movie and a bottle of wine later, I have slightly given up on my one night stand with this guy. “Maybe next time,”I think. I go into the kitchen to switch my drink of choice from wine to water. As I am pouring water into my glass, he comes up behind me and starts to lightly kiss my neck. The kisses are soft at first but soon get more aggressive. Oh my gosh–I think it’s happening. All these years, and I’m finally going to have a one night stand!

We move to the sofa then the bed and make our way through the bases very quickly. Here comes the point where I start to second guess myself. Is this right? Should I do this? What if he tells everyone? What if I can’t do everything? Will he be mad? Does this really need to be on my list? Shit–too late–we are having sex. Okay, you need to stop thinking since you’re already doing it. Relax! I do, and it is amazing. After it is over, we fall asleep.

I wake up a few hours later to him breathing heavily. Shit. This was not the plan. How do I get him out of my house? I phone my guy friend. “Um, what the fuck–how do I get him out?”

“It’s just one night–he’ll leave when he wakes up. Just go to sleep.”

I toss and turn the rest of the night. It’s very weird having a stranger in your bed. I get up and shuffle through the trash can to make sure the condom is there. I can’t believe I just had sex with a stranger. I go through his wallet to make sure his name is what he said it was. It is. Shit, what have I done? What if the condom had a hole and I’m pregnant? I’m going to have a stranger’s baby. Calm down.

When the morning finally comes, he kisses me as he wakes up. I don’t know how to respond–I am too busy trying to stay emotionless. He asks what I am doing later. I ramble off something, and he says he’ll call later, and that he had a great time.

“I bet you did,” I think. “Me too,” I say.

Later that night at a small dinner party, my cell rings. It’s him.

“Hey, how are you?”

“I’m good–having dinner, can I call you later?”

“Sure, but I was hoping we could go see a movie tonight?”

“See a movie? You don’t have to do that,” I say, a little annoyed.

“Do what?” he charges back.

“I mean, I knew the chances I took when we had sex yesterday. We don’t have to go out,” I say with confidence.

“No, I want to go out,” he says.

“Really?”

“Yeah, I like you,” he whispers.

“Really? I mean, we had sex on our first date?”

“So?”

“Okay, well I guess a movie would be good,” I say, still not fully understanding how this was happening.

That was the beginning of a two year-long relationship. See I can't even get a one night stand right!