His Deal Breaker

It’s Saturday afternoon and I’m running my normal errands: gym, Panera, (Thank God for Saturday–the only day I’m allowing myself to eat bagels, mostly due to the extra 6 pounds I’m blaming on my Monday–Friday indulgences for the past 5 months.) and Banana Republic. I do the same routine every Saturday, but this week is a little different because I’ve added the task of finding a proper brown tote and going on an afternoon date. As a result I skipped the gym and ran in my building’s workout room instead, and then went to the salon and got properly dressed all before 12 p.m. We had decided he would pick me up while I was out shopping. He wanted to see a movie. (Despite what people think, movies are never a good date in the beginning of any relationship–you spend 3 hours in silence) I only considered it because I really did want to get a Diet Coke, plus he talks a bit more than me, so it might not be the worst idea.



Shopping was going well. I found a cute pair of pants at Banana Republic for $20. Then the search began for my new brown work tote. I needed something large enough for my heels, work papers, wallet, and maybe my laptop, but small enough so that it wouldn’t be mistaken for luggage. But, then again, it needed to be big enough that I could turn it into a cute, well-stocked overnight satchel (for those lucky nights). It needed to be stylish enough to get a few “nice bag's” (I once bought a pair of $500 aviator sunglasses because the sales lady swore pedestrians would cross crowded streets to ask about them. After a week, not one person commented on my glasses. I shipped them back.) but not so fashionable that I would have to worry about it being stolen. I had already been to Louis Vuitton and Cole Haan. I really wanted this cute chocolate Fendi bag but it was over my purse budget for the quarter, so I needed to find something a little cheaper. I headed to Gucci. As I’m browsing, my phone rungs.


“Are you ready?”


“Yeah, can you pick me up from the Gucci Store?”


“Gucci Store–where is that?”


Houston we have a problem. I sarcastically recite the cross streets.


He arrived.


“Hey, thanks. How was your day?” I try to sound chipper even though I’m sorta dreading this date.


“Hey, I thought you were looking for a work bag or something?”


“Oh, I am. I can’t seem to find anything I want. I’m torn between what I want and staying within the requirements I have set for myself.” I ramble off a few more thoughts.


“So let me get this correct–you were in the Gucci store looking for bag to carry papers, shoes, and a computer in?”


“Yes, do you know of some other stores? I’m open to suggestions. I have already tried Louis Vuitton and Cole Haan.” I say with no sarcasm.


“No, I don’t, and I can’t believe you would spend that kind of money on something to carry your shoes and computer!”


Um, did I miss the part where I asked you to pay for it, or maybe when I asked you for money to cover my bills? “Really?” I say. I contemplate and before he answers, I add, “So what kind of items do you suggest I spend my money on? Mr. I-don’t-even-know-where-the-Gucci-store-is located-so-I-have-no-right-to-judge.”


“Well, for starters you could invest in a flat screen TV.”


Damn, must have missed that conversation as well. “But I’m not in the market for a flat screen TV–I’m looking for a work tote.” I fire back.


“Well, I just think you could do more with your money than waste it on a purse.”


Tote.”Waste? How is it waste?”


“Well, what value does it have?” he says.


“What value does a flat screen TV have? A tote is priceless and has more long-term value than any TV you could purchase.”


“Look, I’m looking for someone I can date long term.”


“Go on,” I say


“And I can’t be with someone who would spend obscene amounts of money on work totes,” he shouts.


“You know, you’re right, when you’re dating someone you have to know what you can and can’t deal with, and if that’s a deal breaker for you, then I think we need to end whatever we are doing right now.”


He’s speechless.


Oh, so you didn’t think I would call your bluff.


He starts to back peddle. “Look, you’re right. It is your money, but I want to be with someone that won’t put our family in jeopardy because she wants a purse.”


(Did I mention we have only been on 4 dates?)


What he was really thinking was probably something like, “Oh shit, I can’t screw this up yet. We haven’t even had sex.”


“So you think I would choose a purse over feeding my family?” I ask


“Well, I need to know that you won’t.” he says


“I feel like if I have to answer that then we really are not compatible at all. That’s just crazy.”

“Yeah, you’re right. I’m sorry.”


Too bad. You’re still not getting any booty. You’re officially on the friend list.


The lights dim and the movie begins. This was our last movie but I found my work tote the next day.